Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
organizing the empties. That sober.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
