Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
