So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
