Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize
