I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize