I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'm just crazy horny about you
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
third nipple confirmed
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
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