Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Drake has all the answers
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
