shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I came so hard my ears popped.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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