You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
