My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
