she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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