I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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