well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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