i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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