Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
