She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
