I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
