i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
