I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I pour the whiskey from now on
he just fucked me for my cheese.
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