I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
