i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
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