I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
