Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
