Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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