I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
