I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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