there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
