ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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