i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
