I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Come on in and take your pants off
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