just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
he wants to bone in the snuggie
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
