I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
