T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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