I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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