HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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