I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
