My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
