I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
