I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
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