Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
