WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
