I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
