did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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