when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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