I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
my shit smells like andre
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Best friends brother. Beat that.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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