please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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