So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize