this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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