do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize