I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Randomize
