Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
