the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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