I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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