In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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