Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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